I posted this on my personal fb page a few months ago. But I reread it and I felt inspired again to plod on. I think it is because I have been working on our greenhouse, which feels so….well…right. I am going to make an Adama compost pile out of old pallets. And am looking for some old shutters to add a homey feel to the actual greenhouse. So here is what I wrote and still stand behind.
I am merciless when it comes to dealing with dishonesty, even a slight fudging of truth, in the context of a personal relationship. At my age I believe that people should stand behind what we say and do, come what may. If you are a little bit dishonest with me, I will a lot bit distrust you and everything you say from first perceived lie forward. No apologies from me for that part of my personality. And I want to be called on my own fudgings. As my daughter wisely told me when she was 4, when I apologized for being an out-of-sorts mother that day, “Nobody’s perfect.”
Someone once told me that we bring certain people into our lives because they bring us to a dark place that we need to explore on some level. It must be true, because whenever I think I am beyond that, I find myself allowing someone to cause me to reach for a flashlight all over again. This year I am only letting in those who illuminate. But I will keep some candles around, just in case.
I would be happy homesteading. I long to leave it all and grow my own, sew my own, build my own, be nourished by my own. I want people to visit my imagined house in the country and sleep in my guest room filled with cozy touches, be seduced by the scent of fresh air and bread in the oven, play UNO by a crackling fire with a glass of herbal tea from the garden, and give in to being completely nurtured. I would take in a child or two or three who needs me. I would get off the coal, gas, fracking, nuclear grid and thank God every day that he planned for our energy needs from the foundation of the universe with that burning star in the sky. Yes, I would miss my kids, but their visits would be spectacular.
I am giving up shopping for a year. Except for Goodwill and the like. (update…I have kept that resolution resolutely) Just for me, not for Adama. The greenhouse that we had built behind the restaurant is just about finished. (its finished) Before we plant, I am going to fill it with all of the extemporaneous things I own and have a big sale. (I did that, too. But I didn’t sell enough) This is the year of loosening further the ties that bind. I don’t want things, I just want adventure and events. I only want to keep those things whose beauty inspires me. Can you fill a garage with laughter?
I recently heard a debate of atheists against believers in God. Both sides made some sense. The thing that made no sense to me, however, is that someone would have a goal of talking another person out of believing in God. Misery loves company? I suppose that if I arrived at my faith based on empirical evidence, an atheist could talk me out of it. And then I and my atheist friend could sit around and talk about the meaningless of life together. At which point I would reach for a flashlight.