Decompressing

I usually write because something is the predominant “thing” in my life and is changing my perspective and I want to talk about it.  I am writing now simply because I should.  Have you ever said something to someone that you in fact didn’t actually understand about yourself until that moment, when you said it to another person?  I have been particularly chatty with one individual in my life lately, and the moment I told him that writing is my decompression device, I realized the truthfulness of what I had written.

Imagine that you have a bank account, and that you earn just enough to keep your balance extremely close to your bills, with little to spare on a day-to-day basis. Maybe you don’t have to imagine!  Let’s say you are not someone who balances your account to the penny.  And let’s say every time you pay your bills, you are actually short by a few pennies.  However, lucky you, one of the bank employees keeps throwing a few of his own cents into your account so that you never get notified that you are coming up a tiny bit short.  That is how I viewed most of God’s interaction in our lives; as a series of unseen, unnoticed acts of kindness that I am not aware of and that He gets little thanks for.  Recently I have been asking God for the sort of intervention that is more obvious.  Nothing big, necessarily, just more attention-getting.  In other words, “c’mon God, take some credit, steal the show.”  I wasn’t asking to win the lottery, or for more customers, or less wrinkles…just that the figurative “pennies” I know are paid out from heaven to my account would be undeniable.  At least by me.  I wanted to be able to say, “Aha!  I knew it was you!”  I am telling you this to encourage you to try it, because the answer was almost immediate, and my awareness of God’s presence in my life was changed immediately as well.

I had a boyfriend once who was big on grand gestures.  In between them, his love was harder to grasp.  When I broke up with him, and he told me that he couldn’t face his life without me in it, I discovered that the love was always there.  But for me it is the continual affirmation of a person’s part in my life that brings me peace in a relationship.  When I open my eyes and heart to that part of my relationship with God, the continual affirmation, peace floods in.  The grand gestures are necessary, but it is the constant knowledge of His presence and intervention on my behalf, and my response to it, that makes it a “relationship.”